Like every other news outlet in the world right now, you’ve heard that Lebron James is coming back to Cleveland. In a move that surprised nobody, James decided to go back to his hometown of Akron, Ohio and stay. While he hasn’t made any sort of official deal with the team, the amount of cap space is well-known, so we know he will receive a max contract.

The reasons for James coming back to Ohio are many-fold, but one of the most salient reasons in my mind are his aging children. Who wants their little babies to grow up in Miami, the city built and fueled by cocaine, big butts, and even larger breasts? Not James, apparently.

Fans waited outside of his Ohio residence for news of his arrival, and were greeted this morning with the news that their basketball hero would return.

Now all he has to do is win them a championship.